Archive for the Category ◊ Misc. Posts ◊

How To Write An Irritating Blog Post
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer
  1. Step 1

    It amazes me that some bloggers, especially the BIG bloggers, don’t “see” what they’re writing. Have they been at it for so long, and written so many posts, that they no longer “hear” themselves? Or are they all writing from the same pieces of PLR? PLR purchased somewhere down the line, from one maniacal individual on a mission to overtake the world by driving it’s inhabitants insane one earworm at a time!

  2. Step 2

    Take this phrase for example – “That being said, I…”. Or a variation, “That said,I…” or even, “Having said that, I…”

    I’ve been following a particular blogger lately, a highly respected and well followed fellow, and I think he may be the little mad scientist behind all of this. After all, someone with his credentials certainly wouldn’t resort to PLR. So he MUST be the one creating these annoying little earworms.

    This niggling little phrase has popped up in his blog posts and articles, and even his book!, so many times, that I can barely stand to read him anymore!

    And were it not for the fact that I have enough luxurious, thick, curly black hair for three people, I’d be bald right now from ripping my hair out in frustration!

  3. Step 3

    Another annoying word I’ve been seeing a lot of lately is “Piehole”. As in, “Shut your piehole!” or “I stuffed my piehole with…”. I understand what a “Piehole” is. But c’mon, people! The blogger’s I’ve seen using this word are supposed to be educated and informative. Can’t you come up with a better term than that? It brings to mind a very negative and somewhat disturbing image!

  4. Step 4

    If I hear the term, “Stay On Message”, one more time, I think I may just reach right through my computer and strangle someone! Have these bloggers no imagination? Honestly! “Stay On Message”!? This isn’t the army and it’s not “Rocket Science”, (ANOTHER annoying phrase!). Don’t speak to me like you work for the Pentagon. And change it up occasionally. How about, “Make sure you’re sticking to the topic” or, “Does your post reflect the title” or even, “Don’t allow yourself to be distracted”.

  5. Step 5

    After you read enough blogs, you begin to notice the little repetitive phrases that are worming their way into your brain. You may even begin using them yourself, thereby contributing to the downfall of civilization as we know it!

    So, in your writings, watch out for phrases like, “Outside the box” and “Be that as it may”. Or “Long story short” and “All things being equal”.

    And, for heaven’s sake, please stop using “irregardless”!

    If you have something to say, say it. That being said, If you can’t stay on message, then please shut your piehole!

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How To Spend Your Vacation Blogging
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer
  1. Step 1

    Hit the time clock at your job and head home. Your 9 Day Vacation/Blog-a-thon starts NOW!

    Stop at the grocery store on your way home and pick up the following essentials:
    Bread, Peanut Butter, Jelly, Chips, Coffee, Cream and Sugar, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Cigarettes, Microwave Popcorn, Water, Toilet Paper, and Dog Treats. Make sure you get enough of everything to last you a week or 9 days, depending on how many vacation days you managed to finagle. Don’t waste your money steaks or salmon or anything you have to cook. You won’t make the time for it and you’ll just have to throw it away when it outdates. Trust me on this. My dumpster has seen more real food than I have this week.

  2. Step 2

    As soon as you get home, take the dog out. It will probably be the last time you two see daylight. Make it an extra long walk this time so you won’t feel guilty later on when he’s lying at your feet, almost comatose from kidney failure.

  3. Step 3

    Make you first of many pots of coffee, empty the ashtray, pull up a chair and start blogging! You have 3 blogs to work, 2 blogs to start and you haven’t submitted anything to eHow or any other site yet. This is going to be a busy week!

  4. Step 4

    Don’t go to bed! If you do, you’ll just sleep later than you wanted and any time spent away from your blogs is time down the drain! You can occasionally nod off at your computer, but this is why I said to buy enough coffee to get you through 9 days!

  5. Step 5

    Run to the c-store for more cigarettes. You didn’t get enough, did you? I warned you! And don’t go to the grocery store to get them. You’ll waste too much time in line and you’ll just be tempted to buy something you’ll have to cook. If you need more food, get it at the C-store with your cigarettes. And if you really feel you need something that’s been cooked, they have hot dogs! Get one for your dog, too.

  6. Step 6

    Take your dog for a 10 minute walk twice a day. It doesn’t matter what time. I take my dog out at about 4 PM and again at 8 PM. Any more than that and he starts to think I owe it to him. Give him a cookie, scratch his ears and get back to work. 20 minutes of walking is enough for any human!

  7. Step 7

    On Day 9 of your Vacation/Blog-a-thon, do everything you had been putting of until vacation. Do the laundry, put all your coffee cups in the dishwasher, run the vacuum, throw away the newspapers you never read, pay your bills, take you dog for a good, long walk, sit in the sun for awhile with a good book….yeah, riiiiiight…who am I kidding! Don’t waste time doing ANY of that stuff! You have a whole day of blogging left! Get to it!

Tips & Warnings
  • Day One through Eight – Keep the coffee pot full! This is actually the way I tell time and keep to a schedule. It takes me approximately 2 hours – give or take – to go through a pot of coffee. You want to have your coffee pot as close to your work area as possible so you can avoid any unnecessary movement and so you can see it at all times. When I look up and the pot is empty, that means it’s time to move onto my next task – either the next blog or the next article, or the next Tweet, whatever.
  • Each time you make a new pot of coffee, hit the bathroom! That way you don’t have to get up as often. Also, empty the ashtray, make sure you have cigarettes, scratch your dog behind the ears and give him a cookie, check the printer paper, and make sure there are chips or cookies handy.
  • By the time all that is done, the next pot of coffee should be ready. Fill your cup and sit back down. You’re on a roll with your new blog and you don’t have time to take the dog out right now!
  • On Days 3 and 6, take a shower. It will wake you up and your dog will thank you for it. Don’t worry about shaving or makeup. No one else is going to see you because you’ll be facing your computer all week.
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I Can’t Find Your Website
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer

A lawncare provider left a business card on my door yesterday while I was out running errands.  Apparently, he thought my weed-laden garden needed some help.   Concerned about my withering Wisteria, I decided to contact him and see what he suggested.  Since it was after hours, I went to the website listed on his card to see what kind of work he did.  And lo and behold – I could not find his website!

This happens all the time.  How many business cards do you have on your desk right now?   Get the ones that list a website and then try to find that website.  Good luck!

It’s a sure sign of the times that business owners recognize the need for a website or blog today.  Gone are the days of telephones and yellow pages and information operators.  Now, everyone goes to the internet for their information.  It’s quicker, they get MORE information in less time, and they can access it from anywhere, anytime – home, the office, and even their mobile phones.

Most small business owners, though, know nothing about blogging and have no time to learn.  They’re busy concentrating on their business!  And that’s as it should be.  Spread yourself too thin and nothing gets accomplished.

Consequently, these business owners try to publish a quick blog or even a small website and it either gets lost in the ethernet or never makes it there at all.

Any small business or organization that has a product or image to promote will benefit from a blog:

  • Lawn Care Companies
  • Restaurants
  • Hair and Nail Salons
  • Builders and Contractors
  • Churches
  • Doctors and Dentists
  • Veterinarians
  • Pet Sitters and House Sitters
  • Animal Rescue Organizations
  • Child Care Providers
  • Schools
  • And on, and on…..

Imagine if that lawn care company did more than just say they had a website.  If Joe’s Complete Lawn and Garden Service really had an accessible blog, they could:

  • Show before and after pictures of the gardens they’ve rescued
    • What a great way to advertise your business – SHOW people that you do the job!  By posting regularly to your blog, your potential new customers will be able to see each successful job you do, not just the one that’s featured on your one page website.
  • Discuss and explain unique services that only they provide
    • Maybe you have a secret fertilizer formula or a special technique for trimming hedges.  Using a blog to convey this to your potential customers allows you to remind them IN EACH POST that you are the BEST!  It’s a proven fact in the marketing industry that your potential customer needs to see your information approximately 7 times before they will buy.  Your website will only show them one point of view.  But you can change your blog offering everyday if you’d like.
  • Give helpful tips on How To Make Your Garden Grow
    • One tip that successful bloggers use to attract more customers to their site is to provide a weekly feature post, for example Monday Morning Mowing Tips.  This quickly establishes your expertise in your field, not only bringing back existing customers every week, but attracting new ones as well.
  • Offer discounts or freebies to existing customers
    • Everybody likes to get something FREE!  With a blog, you can change that freebie everyday and let the whole world know about it.  And with a blog, you don’t even have to give them a free petunia!  You can offer free downloads of eBooks that have to do with gardening or lawncare.  When your existing customers recieve a freebie, you KNOW they’re going to tell their friends about it!
  • Reach an unlimited number of customers!
    • It’s a lot easier for Mrs. Smith to tell people that she was able to contact you at HowYourGardenGrows.com than it is for her to run in the house, find the phone book, find the page and then remember the name of your company out of all the other lawn care companies that are listed.  She can also send the link to your blog to all of her friends and family when she sends out her weekly email updates.
  • Enable your customers and potential customers to reach you day or night
    • Your customers will be able to see your excellent job results by reading the posts on your blog.  They’ll also be able to see all of your contact information and hours of operation.  Show them some of your basic rates, too, and then have an email box for them to contact you.

All of these features and sevices and more can be set up automatically within your blog.  Weekly newsletters via email and free downloadable eBooks can be set up so that you never have to touch them.  It’s all handled automatically.  Even the posting to your blog can be scheduled and automated so that you only have to post to your blog when YOU want to.

Now that you’ve seen how a blog could benefit your business, sign up below for even more information!

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SOWISA, Baby! SOWISA!
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer

I actually thought, when I read it the first time, that I was going to hate it.  To me, it started off kind of slowly.  And the first appearance of Dooley seemed kind of cliche-ish, or overdone.  I thought it was just going to be another Psycho- On- The -Loose kind of story.  And I really hated that feeling because it had been awhile since I had time to sit down with a good King read and I’d really been looking forward to it.

lisey2

I should have never doubted the Master of Macabre!  What an incredible tale this was!

But I’m not sure I liked it for the same reasons that everyone else did.

I never connected with Lisey at all.  Through the whole story, I would speed read through the sections that concentrated on just Lisey.  Fortunately, there weren’t that many  LOL!

But Scott Landon!  I fell in love with that guy!  Maybe because I’ve always been attracted to Bad Boys… and Scott Landon was definitely a Bad Boy.

You know the type?  They have some deep, dark mystery in their past that prevents them from ever behaving like a mature, responsible adult.  They’re always out to have fun, no matter the cost.  You can’t ever rely on them to be where they’re supposed to be, when they’re supposed to be there.  But when they do turn up, OMG! They make you forget you were ever angry with them.  They have that cute, little, impish grin that always manages to melt your heart and they live for the moment, because they learned a long time ago that the present is fleeting and the future may never arrive.

Bad Boys always take care of their women, they’ll defend them to the death!  And Scott, even in DEATH, manages to take care of Lisey.  Scott knows, years before his death, that Lisey is going to desperately need his help.  And even though he’s usually three sheets to the wind, he’s there for her.  Of course, it’s not always when she NEEDS him to be there, but he’s there.  Bad Boys like to take care of business in their own time.

And Boo’ya Moon belonged to Scott, and his ancestors before him.   Scott is the one who showed Lisey how to get to Boo’ya Moon, and what it’s magical powers were.

And it was memories of Scott’s childhood and adolescence that Lisey finally drew her courage from.  The courage she needed to take care of her sister, Amanda, and the courage she needed to take a stand against Dooley.

Oh, and let’s not forget SOWISA, BABY!  What would Lisey had done if Scott had never imparted this bit of wisdom?!  I mean, come on…this woman gets a threatening phone call from a whack-o at the very beginning of the story, she STILL insists on wandering tearfully around in the dark, into empty barns, up into dark, empty lofts, and she doesn’t even pick up a gun until the end of the story!  (Apparently, Lisey never watched that scene in “Scary Movie” where the guy lists the things you should NOT do in a Horror movie!)

*Sigh*  I don’t know…I just don’t like Lisey.  I like Lisey and Scott together, and I like Scott, and I really liked this story.  I even like all of the sisters.  But something about Lisey…

In some ways, I think she’s weak.  Or maybe meek is the word.  Or codependent.

In one of her first memories of Scott, she tell us about waiting for him to show up to take her to a movie.  She sits and waits for hours, knowing full well that he’s out drinking with his buddies and if he DOES show up his going to be shit faced.  She gets angrier and angrier, YET SHE STILL SITS AND WAITS?!  And when he finally DOES show up, sure, she confronts him.  But…

  • what strong, independent woman would sit and wait that long for a guy she’s just barely met to show up knowing that he’s out getting drunk with his buddies instead of keeping the date with her that he set up?
  • after she confronts him, the drunk guy goes out and intentionally hurts himself to prove his sincerity and she immediately goes into mothering mode, all is forgotten, I think I love this guy….bleh!

Any woman worth her salt would have waited a total of maybe 30 minutes, called up her girls and gone out to find her own fun.  And if she DID happen to see the loser again, she would have told him…well, nothing.  Why waste her breath?

And throughout their courtship, she’s always afraid to ask him anything.  Afraid he’ll get angry at her, or afraid she’ll ruin the moment.

Even after they’re married, she still won’t confront him about anything.  He doesn’t talk to her for days, sits in his office drinking and NOT writing, and she just SITS (again, she SITS) and waits for him to “Come Out Of It”.  “Oh, well, he’s just being Scott.  He’ll come around.  He’ll talk to me again eventually….”  Blah, Blah, Blah…

C’mon Lisey, Strap On Whenever It Seems Appropriate!  Women’s shelters are full of women like you!

I think I’ll write to Stephen King and ask him to change the name of this book to “Scott’s Story About His Airhead Wife Who Couldn’t Remember to SOWISA, BABY! until it was almost too late!

Lisey’s Story

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Roland’s Creed For Gunslingers
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer

I do not Aim with My Hand; He who Aims with His Hand has Forgotten the Face of His Father.

I Aim with My Eye.

I do not Shoot with My Hand; He who Shoots with His Hand has Forgotten the Face of His Father.

I Shoot with My Mind.

I do not Kill with My Gun; He who Kills with His Gun has Forgotten the Face of His Father.

I Kill with My Heart.

Throughout the Dark Tower Saga, Roland reminds the members of his Ka-tet to “Remember the Faces of Their Fathers”.

Strange words, in the beginning, coming from a man who shoots to kill.  And he does kill.  Roland is a Gunslinger, after all.

And even though most people fall in love with Roland while reading this wonderful tale,  he is STILL a Gunslinger.  He will let nothing stand between him and his Quest for The Dark Tower.  He demonstrates that right in the very beginning when he lets Jake fall into the abyss just so he can hold a palaver with the Man In Black.

He kills to right wrongs, he kills to defend himself, he kills to remove obstacles in his path, and he even kills just because someone asks him to, as we see in “Wolves of the Calla“.

But Roland does have a bit of Honor about him.  He comes to recognize that Eddie, Suzannah and Jake all look to him as a leader, and with respect and awe.  And he understands that it is his duty to teach them and guide them to be the best that they can be.  He has to, to protect them.  And he has to because he needs their help.

In every lesson they learn, he tells them, “Remember the Face of Your Father.” If they fail at a task he reminds them again that they need to “Remember Their Father’s Face”.

Roland is a 30-th generation descendant of Arthur Eld and one of his “gillies” – mistresses.  He is the last of the Gunslingers in this world, the world after time moved on.  Even his guns are made from the melted down metal from Excalibur.  He IS history and he literally carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.

What is his meaning, then, when he constantly reminds his companions to “Remember The Face of Their Father”?

I think he means to tell them to always Stand Tall.  And to always do what they know in their hearts is right.  To do what they know would make their father proud of them.  No matter how difficult and no matter what they really want to do.  What is it that would make their father most proud of them?

The Gunslinger doesn’t shoot straight because he wants to hit a target.  The Gunslinger shoots straight because his father, and his father’s father, and all fathers before that shot straight.  And they passed down to him that that is what a Gunslinger Does.  A Gunslinger shoots straight and true NO MATTER WHAT.  Because, if the Gunslinger has chosen to shoot at something, then there must be a valid reason, a TRUE reason, so he should shoot with his Heart and make the shot count!

Too many of us have forgotten our Fathers’ Faces.

Think back on what you did throughout the day today.  Even though you’re dog tired, did you give up your seat on the bus to the older gentleman with the cane?  Were you nice to the teller at the bank or did you vent your frustration on her when she explained you didn’t have enough in your account to cover the check?  Did you snap at the Deli Clerk when she used the wrong mustard on your sandwich?

Did you stick up for the class geek when the bully started picking on him again today?  Or did you laugh along with everyone else while inside you were so embarrassed for the geek that you just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear? That’s the easiest thing to do, isn’t it?  To just stand aside and laugh on the outside, even though you’re sick on the inside.

That’s your sign, right there, that you Forgot the Face of Your Father.  If you can’t hold your head high because you’re embarrassed or humiliated about something you did or didn’t do, then you know you’ve done wrong and that your father wouldn’t be proud of you.

If more people Remembered the Faces of Their Fathers, think how much better this world would be!  Try it!  The next time you’re bullying someone so you can get your way, Remember the Face of Your Father.  Seriously.

Would you want your father to see you flipping off the old guy who drives a little slower than you?  Would you want him to see you knocking some kid out of the way so you can get the last Xbox on the shelf?  Imagine the look on his face if he saw you walk right on by as that little old lady was having her purse stolen.

Remember The Face Of Your Father and see how it changes your life.

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Do Lucky Charms Really Work
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer

Perhaps you carry a Four-Leaf-Clover in your pocket, or a lucky rabbit’s foot. As for myself, I often carry a lucky number 8 in my wallet. But do these lucky charms really work?

Luck means many different things to many different people.  You may consider yourself lucky because you won $100 at the casino last night.  But how much did you lose before you won?

I consider myself lucky when I walk out my front door and don’t get hit by a bus!  So, you see, Luck is a relative term.

For most people, luck simply means “having the winning edge”, an increase in the statistical odds that they will win money or find a job or stumble over a $100 dollar bill on the sidewalk.  They may try to increase those odds by carrying a charm or covering themselves in a mystical oil, and they’re using these methods as a way to focus their intent, their magical will.

Other people carry what appear to be good luck charms, and they may even call them that, but on closer inspection, these items are really to ward off bad luck or sorcery or hexes.  For example, items like the evil eye or the eye-in-hand charms.

As I said, I carry a Lucky Number 8 with me on occassion.  Not always, mind you.  I don’t want to wear it out.  But because I firmly believe it works and attracts money to me, it is more often successful than not!

Here are som more lucky charms you may be interested in:

  • Lucky Number 7 – The Mystical number that could bring you Luck, Fortune and Happiness
  • The Money Tree – The Money Tree does exist and it could bring you a financial winfall
  • The Circle of Prosperity – The Circle of Prosperity connects you with the right people, the best people, and acts like a magnet so they will notice you
  • Lady Luck – When you keep Lady Luck at your side, the whole world smiles with you


Change your life with Burton's Love-Luck-Money Spe

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How To Housebreak Your Puppy
Tuesday, June 09th, 2009 | Author: Beamer

I’m sure you’ve tried them all – newspapers by the door, whacking their little bottom with a newspaper, yelling “NO!” loud enough to knock their little ears off.  And the worst of all, rubbing their poor little noses in it!  How horrible is that?!

I’m going to tell you my fool-proof method that I learned from a trainer.  Someone who understands the way dogs think and knows how to communicate with them.

Your puppy is bound to have accidents in the house.  After all, a puppy is like a baby.  You have to train them how NOT to piddle in the house.

But unlike a baby, your puppy is a wild animal, with animal instincts and a pack mentality.

The key to housebreaking your puppy is to show him that YOU are the leader of the pack and that you will not tolerate that behavior.

Here’s how it’s done:

Even if you keep a close eye on your new puppy and take him outside every 30 minutes, you’re bound to catch him in the act sooner or later.  He’ll slip up and you have to be ready.

As soon as you see him “assume the position”, pick him straight up off the floor and bring his eyes to the level of your eyes and hold him straight out from your body so that his feet are dangling.

Stare him straight in the eyes and firmly say “NO!”  You don’t have to scream or hit, just be firm with your voice.  Your dog will recognize the stern tone and understand that he’s done something wrong.

Now here’s the important part – Do NOT break the stare first.  You must establish your position as the Alpha.

By lifting your dog off of his feet, you’ve let him know that you are bigger and stronger than him.  Dogs have no concept of their own size or the amount of space the take up or how small they are compared to humans. You’re showing him that you are strong enough to lift him completely into the air!  Staring him down reinforces that and also lets him know that you will not back down.

Once your puppy breaks the stare, and he will, then turn him on his back like you would a baby and snuggle him in your arms.  This lets him know that even though you were unhappy with his behavior, you still love him.  This is how mother dogs train their puppies.  First scold, then love.

Last, carry him outside and set him on his feet in the grass or any area you have set aside for his “Potty”.  When you see he’s performed his little task, pick him up again and give him a big hug!

This system works, too, to train your puppy to stop needlessly barking, or to train them to stop chewing on furniture or shoes, pretty much whatever you want them to stop doing.

My dog is 7 1/2 years old and I’ve had him since he was just 8 weeks old.  In all that time, he’s only piddled in the house 3 times!  And those were because I was very late coming home from work.

Watch this video to see what’s REALLY in your dog’s food!

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